dramatic change

03/17/09. approximately 11:30 am.
post-hardcore-psych 129 final
aka..most ridiculously difficult final i've ever taken...ever.

on friday, i built myself up to finally receive the letter that would determine whether or not i would be an RA (resident advisor) next year. friday was a tease, i'd have have to wait a couple days more to find out instead. then today, two finals down before an early start to spring break...but first...the moment of truth. with an anxious kduh by my side, i tried to stay calm, look cool, it's just a position... kduh even said, "y'know, if you don't get it, im not gonna know what to say". thanks for the honesty kduh.

i've already been blessed with so many opportunities at UCI so far (and even with backup ambitions lined up...just in case). i don't mean to say this out of arrogance, but out of gratitude for the blessings God has bestowed upon me. during this waiting period, i had to keep reminding myself...whatever happens, it's in God's plan, He'll stick me wherever im supposed to be.

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me". (Philippians 4:11-13)

kduh and i walked up to the intimidating desk where a handful of staff was sitting behind an even more intimidating box of letters. my acceptance/rejection letter that determined my entire next year was somewhere stashed away in that box. i will be content...i will be content...i will be content...

i opened the letter. i tried looking for key words like "Congratulations" or "Unfortunately". But at first, my eyes did not see either of those. Instead, my eyes transfixed on "RESIDENT ADVISOR in MIDDLE EARTH"... then i found the Congratulations... then the rest of the words became jumbled...

with a congratulatory hug and some deep exhales of relief, that was that. i was tempted to return to the desk to thank the staff, including Daniel who interviewed me. i wanted to tell them..."thank you for giving me a chance, thank you for believing in me". but after awkward looks from kduh, i resisted. i dropped him off at brandywine (ah, brandywine...unlimited brandywine will probably get the best of me..yikes).

i attempted to walk home, with the barely-read letter in my hand. i didn't know what to do with myself. i wanted to sit and reflect, but my nerves prevented me from doing so. the emotions, the plans, the hesitation, the disbelief. what should i do?! who should i tell?! then i knew...

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ME: Julian! So I just had two very difficult finals today...and then i picked up my letter....

JURR: Okaaaay, and...?

ME: And it says, "Congratulations! We are very pleased to offer you a Residence Life staff position for the 2009-2010 academic year. You are being offered the following position and placement: RESIDENT ADVISOR in MIDDLE EARTH".

JURR: WOW! Congrats! Wow, your whole next year just changed dramatically. it's like SPOP for a whole year!...You're gonna make posters... they're gonna call you "RA Melody"...

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he shared the exciting experience with me (including even more excitement after i mentioned the bwine deal). i expressed how i felt spoiled by God's goodness, how i would've been happy had i not gotten it because i would've pursued other opportunities, how i was =trying= to walk home and wanted to sit down and take in the experience. so he suggested that i did stop and write what i'm feeling so i can re-live the moment later. and so i did, i found a table...and so what you're reading is the final product of finally forcing myself to sit still.

oh man, it still hasn't hit me yet. my head's spinning, heart racing. my usual self started formulating these crazy goals, ideas, plans for next year... and a deceiving way to reveal the good news to my 198 roomies.

as freaked out as i am for next year, i hope that even my work as a future RA is good in His eyes. i pray that i do not lose focus on what is truly important in my life, that i establish valuable relationships, that i do not fall into temptation, that i maintain faith during the struggles i will face, that i remain thankful for this unique experience. in a way, im glad i didn't turn around and eagerly return to the desk to thank the staff. i would've been thanking the wrong people. i believe that i did not receive this position because of the staff and it certainly wasn't my own doing...

it was all in God's hands...
this is where im supposed to be.

so thank you God for giving me a chance,
thank you God for believing in me.