heart of the matter.

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye?

[Matthew 7:3-4]

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more than ever, i've been struggling with the issue of forgiveness. and not like forgiving a careless driver for cutting you off or brushing off those talkative gossip girls during lecture, but im talking about the deeper circumstances that call for forgiveness... lingering past experiences of others' faulty actions, unmet expectations, and disappointment that build this burdensome load inside. i've tried to overlook their wrongdoing with an outpouring of love, but in the back of my mind i sheltered the thought of: how could i forgive someone with that magnitude of sin? i thought i had accepted the whole situation until a brief phone conversation exposed my true inner feelings, the bitterness that i thought i cleared my heart of.

when i got off the phone, the anger towards them hit the walls hard and returned harder as even heavier anger towards myself. i was mad... because i was mad. i had buried my own sin by pointing fingers elsewhere. how could i expect to help lead them to forgiveness if i could not even follow through with it myself?

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You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

[Matthew 7:5]

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one time, after i apologized to jurr for a small miscommunication incident, he responded with "i forgive you" instead of the common response of "it's okay" that i usually receive after an apology. he later explained the difference: " 'it's okay' makes light of the problem...things aren't really okay...not yet. but 'i forgive you' affirms the apology, saying, 'that's right for you to be sorry, and i accept your apology because i want things to be right again'. it feels awkward to say 'i forgive you' because people think it sounds superior, and in a sense it is, because that person should feel humbled by his wrong. but if you really care about the person, and your relationship, you want him to feel humbled by that wrong because then he'll know not to do it again".

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im also reading joshua harris' book "boy meets girl", which includes a section about forgiveness: "you have the opportunity to be a channel of God's forgiveness... as you process your own feelings, continually point them to the Cross and make sure they're rooted in an understanding of God's grace... don't allow what can be an appropriate sense of loss and disappointment at the effects of sin turn into self-righteousness or bitterness toward the other person... you too are a sinner who can only be saved by the atoning death of Jesus".

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during that recent phone call, i was only instigating more bitter feelings on both ends. i was not being a light. i was not pointing her to the Cross. i thought my faith placed me higher than them. i pridefully assumed that i had more power than God himself to determine whether a person was worthy of forgiveness or not. and because i had not displayed forgiveness, in the end, i was the one asking for forgiveness from her and from Him. regardless of the repercussions, whether it's a thought or an action, sin is sin and we need to abandon our selfish selves and humble ourselves to repent, to take responsibility for our own faults, especially if we're trying to reveal God's ultimate goodness towards us to those around us. we need to learn to forgive just as God did through Christ's sacrifice at the Cross. if He could forgive the entire world's sins, surely i can forgive this one person. and as we stood beside each other, tears running down our eyes, i felt moved to take that first step to fully forgive them.

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Above all, keep loving one another earnestly,
since love covers a multitude of sins.
[1 Peter 4:8]

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thank you God for this particular rebuke, for loving us unconditionally even though we constantly fall into sin, forgiving us day after day when we absolutely do not deserve such mercy. i pray that you continue to grow use, build us up at your will, direct our paths, and open my eyes & heart to be more like Jesus. Amen.