04.14.09

last night reminded me that i am human, driven by emotions. trying to be the constant anchor in an increasingly rocky situation seemed like an impossible option at this point. isn't this supposed to get easier? what just happened? what's going to happen? did i fail them?

after several hours of an emotional purge, my focus shifted. this was not my fault, there's got to be a purpose and now i just need to wait patiently to see the good that God creates out of all this. i flipped through Psalms, Romans, Corinthians, etc. then i made some phone calls--- praise God the bfriend picked up and rushed over. i prayed... i just prayed.

it's almost been a year and i can't imagine where my life would be had i not recognized that God (re)opened His arms to me, calling me to return to His steadfast love and never-ending grace. if i hadn't (re)opened my heart, the old me would simply resort to isolation, anger, blaming, complaining... instead of trusting and praying as we are called to do (Philippians 4:6). the old me would dwell on the negative aspects of the situation at hand instead of having faith that the outcome is in His will (Hebrews 11:1). the old me would turn to unreliable outlets instead of the one guaranteed source of comfort and strength (Psalm 46:1). i don't know it all, but i know i am glad that im far from that old me (Ephesians 4:22-24). and now i know and trust that with God, all things are possible (Luke 1:37), including overcoming these heartbreaking trials that---at the moment--- seem absolutely unbearable.

last night, i was reminded that
i could not---and cannot---do this on my own. i need Him.

i am just one person... one very undeserving person that cannot change the hearts of others despite my greatest efforts and prideful mentality. i can plant those seeds and pray my heart out, but it really is up to Him to work in their hearts. the easy way out would be to remain in sulk-mode, but because of the hope i have in the Lord, completely dwelling on these hardships would just be silly (Psalm 30:5).

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
[Romans 5:1-5]

before julian dropped everything to come to the irvs, i was blessed with an unexpected phone conversation with his mom. she reminded me to trust in the Lord's plan for our lives and that because of Him, everything works together for good (Romans 8:28). she listened, she offered advice, we exchanged verses and i even disclosed some snipits of my testimony. she reminded me to be a light for my family during these times where God may not be their focus. i told her how lost i would be without my faith and how grateful i am for julian's constant support. i can see how God's growing us individually and working in our relationship. his mom agreed that it is a blessing to have godly friends during these tough times. i completely agreed. i really do praise God for precisely placing such faithful people in my life.

i've also been praying for more Christ-centered opportunities and i've been receiving just that. from my recent interactions, i've realized that im not alone in this, that there are others who struggle with the exact same things---some even at the exact same time. i pray that God gives me the wisdom and understanding with my own experience to help comfort others and point them to the comfort that God provides for me....

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our affliction,
so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction,
with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
[2 Corinthians 1:3-4]