undeserving

Lately I’ve been feeling slightly detached. Call me naïve, but something inside me wants to attribute this odd feeling to the change in my lifestyle. In my heart, I know that this was a healthy transition. My life has never had so much purpose. I strive to acknowledge Him in all the struggles and blessings throughout the day. I loosened my grip on a self-centered, worldly life of sin and returned to my faith. I can’t help but recognize the correlation to the slipping of friendships as I’ve continued on my spiritual walk. Although I attempt to maintain these relationships, I’m sure people look at me differently, approach our friendship differently, maybe even show new signs of disinterest for reading this blog.

It becomes a slight challenge to interact with people I was close with pre-transformation, an internal conflict of who knows what. It makes my heart ache a little that sometimes I can’t even stir up some small talk. My beliefs and morals constantly challenged by the majority. Often times I smile and nod, conforming to the flow of conversations. I know the mutual love remains, the friendship is still strong I’m sure, but I often get these peculiar knots in my stomach that they see me as a completely different person...and a completely different person I am not. Close friends are now people I rarely talk to, but sometimes I just want to scream, “HEY, my life may be moving in a completely different direction now, but my love for you is still here, probably even more so now than it was several months ago”. On the other hand, I greatly appreciate the true friendsies who remain encouraging and loving despite the changes. You guys have no idea how much your support means to me.

Now, it is NOT my intention to devalue your way of life if it does not exactly parallel mine. I stand firm to my beliefs, but I am NOT here to judge or condemn my friends for what they do. Please understand that...at least try.

I think this is His way of challenging me to understand what is really important. I think He has done quite a good job of directing me towards healthy relationships, which in turn direct me to a healthy lifestyle. As always, He’s been good to me. Though I’ve had to let go of many things, He’s blessed me with others even greater and better…things I know I do not deserve. God’s grace really is amazing. It has caused me to think more critically and to instantly trust Him through the goods and not-so-goods of life. And for this, I am forever grateful.